5-27-10 One of 'Those' Days

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up and there are all of these possibilities running through your head and then you walk out of your bedroom door to face reality?
This is a constant in a household that contains teenagers.
I have tried to make my sons independent. I have encouraged them to make their own decisions. I have taught them how to make good decisions.
But within the past two and a half years a lot of things have happened to change their independence. Their Father and I divorced. I was laid off, not once but twice. My Mother passed away. I am also going through early menopause. We have had to move, down-size, so to speak. My landlord tried to evict me, I won but he is my neighbor and this is a constant thorn in my side. My ex claimed the boys on his taxes this year, even though he never sees them. I mean NEVER. We live in Texas, he lives in Anchorage. And he owes me child support. Things have not been good.
I stayed in a cocoon for a while after my Mom died. And I am still grieving. I cannot look at myself in the mirror because I favor her so much. I am grieving the loss of a marriage as well. I miss my best friend. I missed him before he left. It's almost like a death.
I'm grieving the loss of my career. Not that it was something I really wanted to do but I was good at it. And I miss others depending on me for my knowledge.
But here's the thing, my sons are seeing this in me and have become as complacent as I have become. Therefore they are depending upon me more than they should. And I feel guilty for that. It's like a tug of war, I pull, they pull. Then a shoving match, I push, they push back. We haven't found the middle ground. How do you find the middle ground? We talk to each other quite a bit. Not just yelling matches but real conversations. And we don't really yell too much either. But change is hard and it is so easy to remain stagnant. To stay still and watch the world go by.
And even through all of this, I still have hope. I know that as long as I am faithful and hopeful and never stop moving, that things will work out.
The reality of life is difficult. To face it and make it different is even more difficult. But I will keep trying. Trying to not dwell on the pain, the loss.
Walking out of my bedroom door with a smile on my face is getting easier.
Every day brings possibilities.....good and bad.....

I hope yours is good!

L