Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up and there are all of these possibilities running through your head and then you walk out of your bedroom door to face reality?
This is a constant in a household that contains teenagers.
I have tried to make my sons independent. I have encouraged them to make their own decisions. I have taught them how to make good decisions.
But within the past two and a half years a lot of things have happened to change their independence. Their Father and I divorced. I was laid off, not once but twice. My Mother passed away. I am also going through early menopause. We have had to move, down-size, so to speak. My landlord tried to evict me, I won but he is my neighbor and this is a constant thorn in my side. My ex claimed the boys on his taxes this year, even though he never sees them. I mean NEVER. We live in Texas, he lives in Anchorage. And he owes me child support. Things have not been good.
I stayed in a cocoon for a while after my Mom died. And I am still grieving. I cannot look at myself in the mirror because I favor her so much. I am grieving the loss of a marriage as well. I miss my best friend. I missed him before he left. It's almost like a death.
I'm grieving the loss of my career. Not that it was something I really wanted to do but I was good at it. And I miss others depending on me for my knowledge.
But here's the thing, my sons are seeing this in me and have become as complacent as I have become. Therefore they are depending upon me more than they should. And I feel guilty for that. It's like a tug of war, I pull, they pull. Then a shoving match, I push, they push back. We haven't found the middle ground. How do you find the middle ground? We talk to each other quite a bit. Not just yelling matches but real conversations. And we don't really yell too much either. But change is hard and it is so easy to remain stagnant. To stay still and watch the world go by.
And even through all of this, I still have hope. I know that as long as I am faithful and hopeful and never stop moving, that things will work out.
The reality of life is difficult. To face it and make it different is even more difficult. But I will keep trying. Trying to not dwell on the pain, the loss.
Walking out of my bedroom door with a smile on my face is getting easier.
Every day brings possibilities.....good and bad.....
I hope yours is good!
L
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
5-20-10 *I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness." Anais Nin
"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
— Anaïs Nin
WOW!!!! Did this woman have balls or what?? To really admit that must have been scandalous. I mean, I am shocked! And not shocked at the same time.....what a concept....not wanting to be a leader. I have never had that luxury or fortune or whatever you want to call it. I would so gladly follow for a while....wonder what it's like!! I'll have to think about this.
— Anaïs Nin
WOW!!!! Did this woman have balls or what?? To really admit that must have been scandalous. I mean, I am shocked! And not shocked at the same time.....what a concept....not wanting to be a leader. I have never had that luxury or fortune or whatever you want to call it. I would so gladly follow for a while....wonder what it's like!! I'll have to think about this.
5-23-10 "Hope is a waking dream." Aristotle
“Hope is a waking dream.” —Aristotle
What are you hopes and dreams? Are you pursuing your dreams? Or are you on the career path?
A few months ago, I thought that I had lost all hope. And my dreams were nightmares. Was I truly hopeless? It sure did feel like it. And I still have days that seem bereft of even the tiniest hint of hope. But each day is a gift that I try to open up with the joy of a child.
So where is my inner adult?? Well, let’s see, she also has hope that there is enough in her to make her dreams come true. For a little back ground, I have been laid off twice in as many years. The first lay off really rocked me to the core. I had been with that company for almost 6 years. The second time was not unexpected as I had only been there for 6 months, so last one hired…..you know how it goes. Anyway, what I used to do is very specific and there are few jobs out there for what all of my glorified certifications, say that I can do. Did I set out to do this job, some 16 years ago? Well, no, I just happened onto it. Like a leaf in the wind, I was blown into this profession. It kept me busy, challenged and financially was a God send to someone that dropped out of college.
The point is, I never saw this coming. When I entered college I wanted to be a professional photographer and a writer. Not a journalist but a writer of poetry, stories and novels. I wanted to show everyone my view of the world. This is how I see it and this is how I feel about it. I am not going to wonder the ‘what if’ I had done this back then because that is a waste of time. I am going to wonder, what if I do this now? What if I go to the edge of that cliff and just jump? Will I fly? Will I fall? You know what? I’m gonna jump. Because this is the only chance I will have to reach my dreams. Today is it. Now is it. It’s all I’ve got.
I’m headed in a direction I have never been. It’s exciting and scary and full of hope.
Oh, yeah, I need a muse….any takers??
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
What are you hopes and dreams? Are you pursuing your dreams? Or are you on the career path?
A few months ago, I thought that I had lost all hope. And my dreams were nightmares. Was I truly hopeless? It sure did feel like it. And I still have days that seem bereft of even the tiniest hint of hope. But each day is a gift that I try to open up with the joy of a child.
So where is my inner adult?? Well, let’s see, she also has hope that there is enough in her to make her dreams come true. For a little back ground, I have been laid off twice in as many years. The first lay off really rocked me to the core. I had been with that company for almost 6 years. The second time was not unexpected as I had only been there for 6 months, so last one hired…..you know how it goes. Anyway, what I used to do is very specific and there are few jobs out there for what all of my glorified certifications, say that I can do. Did I set out to do this job, some 16 years ago? Well, no, I just happened onto it. Like a leaf in the wind, I was blown into this profession. It kept me busy, challenged and financially was a God send to someone that dropped out of college.
The point is, I never saw this coming. When I entered college I wanted to be a professional photographer and a writer. Not a journalist but a writer of poetry, stories and novels. I wanted to show everyone my view of the world. This is how I see it and this is how I feel about it. I am not going to wonder the ‘what if’ I had done this back then because that is a waste of time. I am going to wonder, what if I do this now? What if I go to the edge of that cliff and just jump? Will I fly? Will I fall? You know what? I’m gonna jump. Because this is the only chance I will have to reach my dreams. Today is it. Now is it. It’s all I’ve got.
I’m headed in a direction I have never been. It’s exciting and scary and full of hope.
Oh, yeah, I need a muse….any takers??
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
5-16-10 My Many Colored Days by Dr.Seuss
"Some days are yellow. Some are blue. On different days I'm different too." Dr. Seuss, My Many Colored Days
I am a fan of Dr.Seuss, or Theodore Geisel. Not only were his books colorful and witty, they were teaching lessons of perservence and acceptance. This quote is from one of his final books, 'My Many Colored Days.' It is not illustrated like the rest of his books. The illustrations are actually paintings. And they are really wonderful.
But the book talks about how different we can be from day to day. How our moods can change and how they make us feel. The first time I read it, the boys were small and I had a different view of the meaning of the book. I was trying to see the world through their eyes. I liked it because I knew it would help them accept all of their emotions, good and bad, happy and sad.
As I pick it up now, I have a different perception. I see myself in the book instead of my children.
Recently, I had a dialogue with someone that 'went off' on me. His diatribe was meant to be demeaning and self righteous and in those few moments when his words were slung at me, I became defensive and angry. And then I started laughing! I gave him a one word reply, 'nice' and went on my way. My mood changed from impatient to defensive and angry to giddy and then finally to ambivilence. I chose to not give him my positive or negative energy.
Now this behavior is learned. I have a temper and have had to teach myself to think before I do anything. I cannot tell you how many times my heated words and actions have gotten me in trouble. I'm not proud of being arrested because I flipped off a cop but it definitely felt good!! But I learned a lesson that long ago day. Think before you speak. Not only do I consider the words I use but I consider the energy I expend in reacting to other's. It's all cause and effect. You push me, I push back.
This is not strictly for negative behaviors. Being able to deflect negativity from an asshole is the easy part, assholes are not hard to spot. When you meet someone that you like and you want to get to know them better, it's hard to discern if they are an asshole or not. It's not as easy as Dr.Suess, some having stars and some not. But I give my energy freely to those I want to learn more about. And sometimes, I get it back. Those are my happy days. When I can grab one of my boyz and hug them and get it returned, that is a very good day indeed. Hhhmmm, what color would that be...a Mother's love for her child...all of them I think.
The point I wanted to make is that you choose how to react to all situations. And that those reactions are as varied as the colors of the rainbow.
Go get a copy of the book. Read it out loud. Try to recognize your colors. What is your favorite? What is your least favorite?
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine.
L
I am a fan of Dr.Seuss, or Theodore Geisel. Not only were his books colorful and witty, they were teaching lessons of perservence and acceptance. This quote is from one of his final books, 'My Many Colored Days.' It is not illustrated like the rest of his books. The illustrations are actually paintings. And they are really wonderful.
But the book talks about how different we can be from day to day. How our moods can change and how they make us feel. The first time I read it, the boys were small and I had a different view of the meaning of the book. I was trying to see the world through their eyes. I liked it because I knew it would help them accept all of their emotions, good and bad, happy and sad.
As I pick it up now, I have a different perception. I see myself in the book instead of my children.
Recently, I had a dialogue with someone that 'went off' on me. His diatribe was meant to be demeaning and self righteous and in those few moments when his words were slung at me, I became defensive and angry. And then I started laughing! I gave him a one word reply, 'nice' and went on my way. My mood changed from impatient to defensive and angry to giddy and then finally to ambivilence. I chose to not give him my positive or negative energy.
Now this behavior is learned. I have a temper and have had to teach myself to think before I do anything. I cannot tell you how many times my heated words and actions have gotten me in trouble. I'm not proud of being arrested because I flipped off a cop but it definitely felt good!! But I learned a lesson that long ago day. Think before you speak. Not only do I consider the words I use but I consider the energy I expend in reacting to other's. It's all cause and effect. You push me, I push back.
This is not strictly for negative behaviors. Being able to deflect negativity from an asshole is the easy part, assholes are not hard to spot. When you meet someone that you like and you want to get to know them better, it's hard to discern if they are an asshole or not. It's not as easy as Dr.Suess, some having stars and some not. But I give my energy freely to those I want to learn more about. And sometimes, I get it back. Those are my happy days. When I can grab one of my boyz and hug them and get it returned, that is a very good day indeed. Hhhmmm, what color would that be...a Mother's love for her child...all of them I think.
The point I wanted to make is that you choose how to react to all situations. And that those reactions are as varied as the colors of the rainbow.
Go get a copy of the book. Read it out loud. Try to recognize your colors. What is your favorite? What is your least favorite?
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine.
L
5-2-10 "No man can always be right." Dwight D. Eisenhower
“No man can always be right. So the struggle is to do one’s best, to keep the brain and conscience clear, never to be swayed by unworthy motives or inconsequential reasons, but to strive to unearth the basic factors involved, then do one’s duty.” —Dwight D. Eisenhower
What is our duty? I’m not talking about to God and Country, as I am sure Mr. Eisenhower was referring to but to each other and ourselves.
We have to accept that we cannot always be in the right. Regardless of our intentions, it’s our actions that speak.
My Father is an honorable man. I am blessed that I can look to him and see a person that not only talks the talk but also walks the walk. I cannot say enough good things about him. He has found a balance and is also gracious enough to know that he too is blessed.
But he has not always been this way. And to this I am also deeply respectful. He saw his mistakes and changed. He will tell you it was the Grace of God that changed him and firmly stands on his truth. I say it was his intelligence, deep thought, love and respect for duty and also Grace. It wasn’t an easy change, I saw him struggle, still see him struggle. But his conscience is clear. And the struggle has made him stronger. He no longer wears blinders, so to speak. His eyes are wide open and he always makes informed and prayerful decisions.
I am like my Father, in that, I try to think things through before making a decision. My sons will tell you that when they ask me a question that is out of the ordinary, I will say, “Let me think about it.” I do slip and fall though. I enjoy spontaneity and I like the feeling of letting go, damn the consequences. I realize this and am trying to channel that into something productive. Bit by bit. Rising above it, facing challenges, head on.
Isn’t that what our duty is? Taking our gifts and tuning them into something productive?
Living, learning, growing and accepting challenges…..ah, but life is grand, isn’t it?
Make thoughtful decisions this week, seek others counsel, pray about it, if you are so inclined.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
What is our duty? I’m not talking about to God and Country, as I am sure Mr. Eisenhower was referring to but to each other and ourselves.
We have to accept that we cannot always be in the right. Regardless of our intentions, it’s our actions that speak.
My Father is an honorable man. I am blessed that I can look to him and see a person that not only talks the talk but also walks the walk. I cannot say enough good things about him. He has found a balance and is also gracious enough to know that he too is blessed.
But he has not always been this way. And to this I am also deeply respectful. He saw his mistakes and changed. He will tell you it was the Grace of God that changed him and firmly stands on his truth. I say it was his intelligence, deep thought, love and respect for duty and also Grace. It wasn’t an easy change, I saw him struggle, still see him struggle. But his conscience is clear. And the struggle has made him stronger. He no longer wears blinders, so to speak. His eyes are wide open and he always makes informed and prayerful decisions.
I am like my Father, in that, I try to think things through before making a decision. My sons will tell you that when they ask me a question that is out of the ordinary, I will say, “Let me think about it.” I do slip and fall though. I enjoy spontaneity and I like the feeling of letting go, damn the consequences. I realize this and am trying to channel that into something productive. Bit by bit. Rising above it, facing challenges, head on.
Isn’t that what our duty is? Taking our gifts and tuning them into something productive?
Living, learning, growing and accepting challenges…..ah, but life is grand, isn’t it?
Make thoughtful decisions this week, seek others counsel, pray about it, if you are so inclined.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
4-25-10 "Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." Mother Teresa
"Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
— Mother Teresa
It’s the little things isn’t it? And not being too tired for those you love?
Definition of genuine: 1. not fake or counterfeit; original; real; authentic
2. not pretending; frank; sincere
3. (Life Sciences & Allied Applications / Breeds) being of authentic or original stock
Definition of extraordinary: 1. very unusual, remarkable, or surprising
2. not in an established manner, course, or order
Definition of faithful: 1. having faith; remaining true, constant, or loyal
2. maintaining sexual loyalty to one's lover or spouse
3. consistently reliable
4. reliable or truthful
This weekend I drove 150 plus miles, just around the city of Austin. Yesterday, it was Eeyore’s Birthday Party, then the Art show. Back to Eeyore to pick up teenagers. Take home son’s GF, pick up other son’s friend. Pick up other son, take him to his first RAVE. Drive to my friends house to chill for a few hours…go home…then back to RAVE to pick up teenagers. Today, take home teenagers that crashed here…take home son’s GF…grocery and finally…….home…whew! I didn’t really mind it except for the part where I didn’t know my son’s, friend’s address….just driving around aimlessly!!
There was always music and laughter in the car, windows rolled down, smiling at strangers, taking photos of weird stuff!! Was I tired? Am I tired? Yes and yes. Even through droopy eyelids, I was there.
But even on the weekends when we just stay at home, we still have fun. There are bubbles, squirt bottles, hackey-sacks, footballs, soccer balls, bicycles and skateboards. Friends up and down the street are always walking through the door. Movies and games are always playing…don’t forget music too!
At night, just the three of us, with assorted pets, it gets quiet, calmer but just as full. We talk and surf the web for answers to questions. Or just watch silly cartoons on TV and laugh at each other.
But that is what makes the three of us strong. And the boys will remember and so will I.
You don’t have to drive 150 miles every weekend to keep relationships strong. You just have to be there, really there, every day for the little things. Never too tired and always faithful.
I think I’ll put that bottle of bubbles in the car and take a drive around 5 pm. Get stuck in rush hour traffic and have a little fun…I’ll take the boys with me!!
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
— Mother Teresa
It’s the little things isn’t it? And not being too tired for those you love?
Definition of genuine: 1. not fake or counterfeit; original; real; authentic
2. not pretending; frank; sincere
3. (Life Sciences & Allied Applications / Breeds) being of authentic or original stock
Definition of extraordinary: 1. very unusual, remarkable, or surprising
2. not in an established manner, course, or order
Definition of faithful: 1. having faith; remaining true, constant, or loyal
2. maintaining sexual loyalty to one's lover or spouse
3. consistently reliable
4. reliable or truthful
This weekend I drove 150 plus miles, just around the city of Austin. Yesterday, it was Eeyore’s Birthday Party, then the Art show. Back to Eeyore to pick up teenagers. Take home son’s GF, pick up other son’s friend. Pick up other son, take him to his first RAVE. Drive to my friends house to chill for a few hours…go home…then back to RAVE to pick up teenagers. Today, take home teenagers that crashed here…take home son’s GF…grocery and finally…….home…whew! I didn’t really mind it except for the part where I didn’t know my son’s, friend’s address….just driving around aimlessly!!
There was always music and laughter in the car, windows rolled down, smiling at strangers, taking photos of weird stuff!! Was I tired? Am I tired? Yes and yes. Even through droopy eyelids, I was there.
But even on the weekends when we just stay at home, we still have fun. There are bubbles, squirt bottles, hackey-sacks, footballs, soccer balls, bicycles and skateboards. Friends up and down the street are always walking through the door. Movies and games are always playing…don’t forget music too!
At night, just the three of us, with assorted pets, it gets quiet, calmer but just as full. We talk and surf the web for answers to questions. Or just watch silly cartoons on TV and laugh at each other.
But that is what makes the three of us strong. And the boys will remember and so will I.
You don’t have to drive 150 miles every weekend to keep relationships strong. You just have to be there, really there, every day for the little things. Never too tired and always faithful.
I think I’ll put that bottle of bubbles in the car and take a drive around 5 pm. Get stuck in rush hour traffic and have a little fun…I’ll take the boys with me!!
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
4-18-10 "You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life" Albert Camus
"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."
— Albert Camus
I think I was supposed to be searching for the meaning of life this past week but put that huge task aside to just live.
Why would I want to keep asking “Why am I here?” or “Why did this have to happen?”? Every human that has ever lived has asked these questions at least once in their lives. And I don’t know about you but I hate having to repeat myself. I don’t know how many times I have yelled “Don’t slam the door” to all the teenagers that come through my front door. I have even threatened to ban said teenagers…but alas…it still happens.
I have had a couple of adventures within the past week though. Some movie plans fell through and I suggested we try a new ‘trailor’ eatery, here in South Austin. My friend who was with me had doubts, coming from Chicago, one never eats from street vendors. But I had heard wonderful things about this place. So, we got to the window and ordered Duck breast with grilled asparagus and boiled duck egg sauce, Grilled pork on foccocia with olive oil and green olives and half a grilled quail. We walked down to the corner store, got a bottle of Pinot. Our food came and was presented with care and splendor. Almost looked to good to eat but eat it, we did! And OMG…had to hug the chef, words would not do!! Went to a new wine bar after and had a great time there as my Chicago friend loves wine and loves to talk about it to others!
And my other adventure was going to the Austin International Poetry Anthology reading and kick off of the AIP Festival. I have to say that I wanted to write the whole evening. But I didn’t want to stop listening to the readings. How frustrating for me! But I did write a little something about a handbag that was sitting next to me for a while…sigh, it had to go!!
But what really happened, is that I lived. I smiled, I laughed, I even danced, a little. I didn’t let the little or big things get me down. I rolled with the punches and got up, joyfully!! Get up, do something completely different, stop thinking about the ‘why’s’ and just DO!
Now where is that freaking laundry fairy, she needs to get back to work!!
May our week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
— Albert Camus
I think I was supposed to be searching for the meaning of life this past week but put that huge task aside to just live.
Why would I want to keep asking “Why am I here?” or “Why did this have to happen?”? Every human that has ever lived has asked these questions at least once in their lives. And I don’t know about you but I hate having to repeat myself. I don’t know how many times I have yelled “Don’t slam the door” to all the teenagers that come through my front door. I have even threatened to ban said teenagers…but alas…it still happens.
I have had a couple of adventures within the past week though. Some movie plans fell through and I suggested we try a new ‘trailor’ eatery, here in South Austin. My friend who was with me had doubts, coming from Chicago, one never eats from street vendors. But I had heard wonderful things about this place. So, we got to the window and ordered Duck breast with grilled asparagus and boiled duck egg sauce, Grilled pork on foccocia with olive oil and green olives and half a grilled quail. We walked down to the corner store, got a bottle of Pinot. Our food came and was presented with care and splendor. Almost looked to good to eat but eat it, we did! And OMG…had to hug the chef, words would not do!! Went to a new wine bar after and had a great time there as my Chicago friend loves wine and loves to talk about it to others!
And my other adventure was going to the Austin International Poetry Anthology reading and kick off of the AIP Festival. I have to say that I wanted to write the whole evening. But I didn’t want to stop listening to the readings. How frustrating for me! But I did write a little something about a handbag that was sitting next to me for a while…sigh, it had to go!!
But what really happened, is that I lived. I smiled, I laughed, I even danced, a little. I didn’t let the little or big things get me down. I rolled with the punches and got up, joyfully!! Get up, do something completely different, stop thinking about the ‘why’s’ and just DO!
Now where is that freaking laundry fairy, she needs to get back to work!!
May our week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
4-11-10 "The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are." Jim Morrison
"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first."
— Jim Morrison
How many times a week do you put on a mask? Are you ready for your own personal revolution?
I have friends that are having a difficult time letting things go. And I am not sure there is anything that anyone can say or do to help them with this release. We all know that feeling. At least, I, can truly sympathize.
Now, I’m not talking about letting go of possessions or a point in an argument or a political ideal. I’m talking about relationships and friendships, saying goodbye to loved ones and not necessarily or specifically if we lose someone in death. We hold onto the familiar and safe. I’ve talked about this before. I want the comfort of my Mother’s voice. I miss my ex-husband, he was my best friend for about 15 years.
But, if I hang onto ‘missing’ them, then I will never change and grow. I need to change. I need to grow. I am not a Mother’s, daughter anymore. I am not a wife anymore. I am still a daughter, sister, Mother and friend. Those are the relationships I need to hold onto and nourish and cherish.
But how did I get to the point where I wanted to take off those masks of daughter and wife and when did it happen? I cannot pinpoint a day or even a month in which my heart and mind eased away from these that are gone. I haven’t stopped loving them. But I have gradually stepped out of those roles. I’ve told my friends to cry until you can’t cry anymore and then cry some more. And to breathe in and breathe out. But the best advice is to stop dwelling on the things that you miss. You don’t have to forget but you can make yourself simply stop thinking about them all the time. That is the revolution of self. To just be who you are without the masks and the pain. To gracefully walk away and be and gain your freedom.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
— Jim Morrison
How many times a week do you put on a mask? Are you ready for your own personal revolution?
I have friends that are having a difficult time letting things go. And I am not sure there is anything that anyone can say or do to help them with this release. We all know that feeling. At least, I, can truly sympathize.
Now, I’m not talking about letting go of possessions or a point in an argument or a political ideal. I’m talking about relationships and friendships, saying goodbye to loved ones and not necessarily or specifically if we lose someone in death. We hold onto the familiar and safe. I’ve talked about this before. I want the comfort of my Mother’s voice. I miss my ex-husband, he was my best friend for about 15 years.
But, if I hang onto ‘missing’ them, then I will never change and grow. I need to change. I need to grow. I am not a Mother’s, daughter anymore. I am not a wife anymore. I am still a daughter, sister, Mother and friend. Those are the relationships I need to hold onto and nourish and cherish.
But how did I get to the point where I wanted to take off those masks of daughter and wife and when did it happen? I cannot pinpoint a day or even a month in which my heart and mind eased away from these that are gone. I haven’t stopped loving them. But I have gradually stepped out of those roles. I’ve told my friends to cry until you can’t cry anymore and then cry some more. And to breathe in and breathe out. But the best advice is to stop dwelling on the things that you miss. You don’t have to forget but you can make yourself simply stop thinking about them all the time. That is the revolution of self. To just be who you are without the masks and the pain. To gracefully walk away and be and gain your freedom.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
3-28-10 "Dreaming ties all mankind together." Jack Kerouac
"All human beings are also dream beings. Dreaming ties all mankind together" Jack Kerouac
Have you ever had a dream that you can't quite explain? Or a recurring dream that is in a place you have never been?
We all have bizarre dreams. Most of them are based on real issues that we are trying to work through. Our brain doesn't stop working just because we sleep....it keeps going like that rabbit!!
In the past I have had dreams of my Grandmothers after they had passed. And I have been waiting for the dream of my Mother. I finally had the dream. And it was weird but also kind of funny because in the dream, I remembered that she was gone. So, I hugged and kissed her and told her that I love her. And then I told her to go back to bed!! So, was this my brain telling me that it's time to really let her go or did she really come to see me? That is a question that will not be answered in this lifetime. I believe both though.
I also visit a place in my dreams that is unlike anywhere I have ever been. I am not sure if such a place exists. Is this someone else's dream? Or perhaps I have an incredibly vivid imagination? Of this, I am not sure. I do feel that we are all connected. And maybe, just maybe, I am sharing something with someone I don't know. Or maybe, I am just a wishful thinker and don't want to feel so disconnected from all of mankind by my daily tasks.
Wouldn't it be wonderful, to be connected to each other? And even better, if we all realized it? Then we could end war, hunger, loneliness, ignorance...the list goes on of the things that could be accomplished!
But in our friendships and families, we should try to stay connected, for comfort in the bad times and joy in the good times. Not just in our sleeping dreams.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
Have you ever had a dream that you can't quite explain? Or a recurring dream that is in a place you have never been?
We all have bizarre dreams. Most of them are based on real issues that we are trying to work through. Our brain doesn't stop working just because we sleep....it keeps going like that rabbit!!
In the past I have had dreams of my Grandmothers after they had passed. And I have been waiting for the dream of my Mother. I finally had the dream. And it was weird but also kind of funny because in the dream, I remembered that she was gone. So, I hugged and kissed her and told her that I love her. And then I told her to go back to bed!! So, was this my brain telling me that it's time to really let her go or did she really come to see me? That is a question that will not be answered in this lifetime. I believe both though.
I also visit a place in my dreams that is unlike anywhere I have ever been. I am not sure if such a place exists. Is this someone else's dream? Or perhaps I have an incredibly vivid imagination? Of this, I am not sure. I do feel that we are all connected. And maybe, just maybe, I am sharing something with someone I don't know. Or maybe, I am just a wishful thinker and don't want to feel so disconnected from all of mankind by my daily tasks.
Wouldn't it be wonderful, to be connected to each other? And even better, if we all realized it? Then we could end war, hunger, loneliness, ignorance...the list goes on of the things that could be accomplished!
But in our friendships and families, we should try to stay connected, for comfort in the bad times and joy in the good times. Not just in our sleeping dreams.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
3-21-10 “Music is stored in our long-term memory. " Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Music is stored in our long-term memory. When we learn something through music, we tend to remember it longer and believe it more deeply.” Dr. Joyce Brothers
How often do you sing out loud? How often do you play your music out loud?
I used to sing out loud every day, with an audience. I would sing my boys to sleep. Mostly Disney tunes. They were very young and did not know that I couldn’t sing very well. But now that they are older, I have no one to sing to, unless you count my pets. A new friend of mine posted some oldies on his wall. And boy did they take me back!! I remembered myself when my dreams were unfettered. When I did sing out loud and didn’t care what anyone thought! What an awesome gift he gave me.This past week was spring break and my sons put the computer speakers in the living room and plugged in their I-pods. The house was full of music and all of us would sing at random times. But sometimes we would all sing together and that was wonderful!! Funny that these things would happen the same week...maybe I don’t have enough music in my life. And maybe I don’t sing out loud often enough. But I think that the sharing of their music made it even more special. So share your music, take out your earplugs, crank up the car stereo, crank up the house stereo. And sing and dance.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
How often do you sing out loud? How often do you play your music out loud?
I used to sing out loud every day, with an audience. I would sing my boys to sleep. Mostly Disney tunes. They were very young and did not know that I couldn’t sing very well. But now that they are older, I have no one to sing to, unless you count my pets. A new friend of mine posted some oldies on his wall. And boy did they take me back!! I remembered myself when my dreams were unfettered. When I did sing out loud and didn’t care what anyone thought! What an awesome gift he gave me.This past week was spring break and my sons put the computer speakers in the living room and plugged in their I-pods. The house was full of music and all of us would sing at random times. But sometimes we would all sing together and that was wonderful!! Funny that these things would happen the same week...maybe I don’t have enough music in my life. And maybe I don’t sing out loud often enough. But I think that the sharing of their music made it even more special. So share your music, take out your earplugs, crank up the car stereo, crank up the house stereo. And sing and dance.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
3-14-10 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'" — A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh?' he whispered.
'Yes, Piglet?'
'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
Do you have a ‘Pooh’ bear that you can sidle up to?
A friend of mine suggested that I write about what I would seek in a partner. And I kindly declined. I said that I was not seeking a partner and would rather just be myself right now. I really enjoy being alone. As the youngest of four children, I was left to my own devices quite often. I can entertain myself and just like the quiet time with my own thoughts.
But if I were seeking a partner, which I’m not, I would look for the typical qualities one seeks for like, honesty, kindness, intelligence, humor, you know that stuff. But what if all I needed was a friend? Like Pooh and Piglet. The kind of friend that says I like to talk to you because you make me think good things. Or that I am smiling because you were nice to me today. Pooh and Piglet were not partners or were they?
I actually have two men in my life that are very important to me. My sons take up quite a bit of my time and my heart. I honestly don’t know how I could fit in another person.
Do we have to be ‘partnered’ to be happy? Do I need to be part of a couple? I don’t know the answers to those questions. We are all different and need different things at different time in our lives. So my answers would not necessarily mean anything to you but would be only for me. If you have a Pooh bear in your life, I am happy for you. If you don’t need one right now, I am happy for you. Just remember that you can hold even your friend’s hand, not just your partner’s!!
I do want to learn how to partner dance, so, I will need another person, any suggestions?
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!!
L
'Yes, Piglet?'
'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
Do you have a ‘Pooh’ bear that you can sidle up to?
A friend of mine suggested that I write about what I would seek in a partner. And I kindly declined. I said that I was not seeking a partner and would rather just be myself right now. I really enjoy being alone. As the youngest of four children, I was left to my own devices quite often. I can entertain myself and just like the quiet time with my own thoughts.
But if I were seeking a partner, which I’m not, I would look for the typical qualities one seeks for like, honesty, kindness, intelligence, humor, you know that stuff. But what if all I needed was a friend? Like Pooh and Piglet. The kind of friend that says I like to talk to you because you make me think good things. Or that I am smiling because you were nice to me today. Pooh and Piglet were not partners or were they?
I actually have two men in my life that are very important to me. My sons take up quite a bit of my time and my heart. I honestly don’t know how I could fit in another person.
Do we have to be ‘partnered’ to be happy? Do I need to be part of a couple? I don’t know the answers to those questions. We are all different and need different things at different time in our lives. So my answers would not necessarily mean anything to you but would be only for me. If you have a Pooh bear in your life, I am happy for you. If you don’t need one right now, I am happy for you. Just remember that you can hold even your friend’s hand, not just your partner’s!!
I do want to learn how to partner dance, so, I will need another person, any suggestions?
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!!
L
3-7-10 "Hard times build determination and inner strength. " Dalai Lama XIV
"Hard times build determination and inner strength. Through them we can also come to appreciate the uselessness of anger. Instead of getting angry nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers because by creating such trying circumstances they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience."
— Dalai Lama XIV
How many times a week do you remind yourself to have more patience?
I try not to lose my temper, I try not to jump to conclusions, and I try not to judge a situation until I know all of the facts.
Someone did something to me a few weeks ago that I did not find out about until a week ago. My first reaction was disbelief that quickly evolved into anger. I sat on the information and spoke to a friend and my sister about what had happened. And then, of course I began writing a letter. As I began to write and re-write, my patience kicked in and I became calmer and more centered about the situation. A plan of action began to form.
I made a few phone calls and discovered that the situation will reconcile itself. I did not have to go through the anger to discover patience. I did not have to question myself or wish ill things. All I had to do was ask questions.
So, knowledge is tied into patience and vice versa.
Find out what is trying your patience and why. Then you will need to find your center to form a plan of action. And the answers will come. Sometimes the answers will be hard to hear and sometimes they won’t.
The answers were good for me this time and my patience has grown. Has the other person learned anything? Maybe…..maybe not. I sincerely hope so.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
— Dalai Lama XIV
How many times a week do you remind yourself to have more patience?
I try not to lose my temper, I try not to jump to conclusions, and I try not to judge a situation until I know all of the facts.
Someone did something to me a few weeks ago that I did not find out about until a week ago. My first reaction was disbelief that quickly evolved into anger. I sat on the information and spoke to a friend and my sister about what had happened. And then, of course I began writing a letter. As I began to write and re-write, my patience kicked in and I became calmer and more centered about the situation. A plan of action began to form.
I made a few phone calls and discovered that the situation will reconcile itself. I did not have to go through the anger to discover patience. I did not have to question myself or wish ill things. All I had to do was ask questions.
So, knowledge is tied into patience and vice versa.
Find out what is trying your patience and why. Then you will need to find your center to form a plan of action. And the answers will come. Sometimes the answers will be hard to hear and sometimes they won’t.
The answers were good for me this time and my patience has grown. Has the other person learned anything? Maybe…..maybe not. I sincerely hope so.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
2-28-10 "Where there is love there is life.” Mohandas Gandhi
“We are all bound by ties of love…Scientists tell us that without the presence of the cohesive force amongst the atoms that comprise this globe of ours, it would crumble to pieces and we would cease to exist, and even as there is cohesive force in blind matter, so must there be in all things animate, and the name for that cohesive force among animate beings is love. We notice it between father and son, between brother and sister, friend and friend…Where there is love there is life.” Mohandas Gandhi
How much love do you have in your life?
One of the greatest loves of my life passed away 5 months ago. Even though my Mother and I did not have an extremely close relationship, she has always been in my life. And it hurt when she died. And I think of her being gone every day. I was sick last week and thought about calling her just to talk to her and get her reassurance and I chuckled at myself.
I wanted the comfort of the love that she gave me when I became vulnerable.
We all seek that comfort and when we cannot find it, we change and grow. Sometimes we grow in positive ways and sometimes in negative ways.
Love is about positive change. The love for another is about seeking ways to make that person reach their dreams and goals. The love for ourselves is about wholeness.
So if I am talking about love, why do I bring up grief? Because I let my grief get in the way of the love that I need to share with my family and friends. I’m not saying it is wrong to grieve. Or that the 5 month mark is the magic time to stop grieving. I just need to love more and grieve less. If love is life then grief is death.
As it is very late and I cannot express this to someone tonight, I will get up in the morning, make some coffee and cook breakfast. Then I’ll get on the phone and call someone and tell them I love them. But nothing before I hug and kiss my sons.
Tell your Mother, Father, brother, sister, friend or spouse that to love them enriches your life. Let that love be an encouragement for positive growth and change. Let there be life!
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
How much love do you have in your life?
One of the greatest loves of my life passed away 5 months ago. Even though my Mother and I did not have an extremely close relationship, she has always been in my life. And it hurt when she died. And I think of her being gone every day. I was sick last week and thought about calling her just to talk to her and get her reassurance and I chuckled at myself.
I wanted the comfort of the love that she gave me when I became vulnerable.
We all seek that comfort and when we cannot find it, we change and grow. Sometimes we grow in positive ways and sometimes in negative ways.
Love is about positive change. The love for another is about seeking ways to make that person reach their dreams and goals. The love for ourselves is about wholeness.
So if I am talking about love, why do I bring up grief? Because I let my grief get in the way of the love that I need to share with my family and friends. I’m not saying it is wrong to grieve. Or that the 5 month mark is the magic time to stop grieving. I just need to love more and grieve less. If love is life then grief is death.
As it is very late and I cannot express this to someone tonight, I will get up in the morning, make some coffee and cook breakfast. Then I’ll get on the phone and call someone and tell them I love them. But nothing before I hug and kiss my sons.
Tell your Mother, Father, brother, sister, friend or spouse that to love them enriches your life. Let that love be an encouragement for positive growth and change. Let there be life!
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
2-21-10 "I must unapologetically reveal my broken life as a thing of beauty" from "Brother West" by Cornwell West.
How many things in your life are broken? And what are you doing to fix them?
I have a list of things that need repair. Two chests of drawers are falling apart. One is a second hand store find and the other is a cast off from a nephew. Both pieces are solid wood and good furniture, the kind I can't buy brand new. The repairs do not require extensive carpentry skills, wood glue and a little creativity and they will be good as new.
So why haven't I repaired them? I could say that I work too much and do not have the time. But that would be a falsehood. I have been out of work for a little over four months and have plenty of time to perform these tasks.
So what am I waiting for? The furniture repair fairy has never, ever visited me...will she now? I think not!
For many reasons we put things off, waiting for that exact moment when the planets align. We also ignore tasks that seem inconsequential due to time constraints. And sometimes life is just not nice and we wallow in self pity, thinking that it will never be the same.
I have become a victim of all of these feelings and hopes.
I realize that the planets will never truly align to shine a perfect life down upon me. I procrastinate on a daily basis, reasoning that there will be time to do these things tomorrow. I have trials that make me question my existence and feel sorry for my self.
So, am I going to fix the furniture or blog about it?
Well, it's an absolutely, fantabulous, gorgeous day in Austin, Tx and I'm going outside to repot a plant that will die if I don't. And then, I'll see about getting together the tools I need to fix my broken life!
And by the way, we are all beautiful, as we are all broken.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
I have a list of things that need repair. Two chests of drawers are falling apart. One is a second hand store find and the other is a cast off from a nephew. Both pieces are solid wood and good furniture, the kind I can't buy brand new. The repairs do not require extensive carpentry skills, wood glue and a little creativity and they will be good as new.
So why haven't I repaired them? I could say that I work too much and do not have the time. But that would be a falsehood. I have been out of work for a little over four months and have plenty of time to perform these tasks.
So what am I waiting for? The furniture repair fairy has never, ever visited me...will she now? I think not!
For many reasons we put things off, waiting for that exact moment when the planets align. We also ignore tasks that seem inconsequential due to time constraints. And sometimes life is just not nice and we wallow in self pity, thinking that it will never be the same.
I have become a victim of all of these feelings and hopes.
I realize that the planets will never truly align to shine a perfect life down upon me. I procrastinate on a daily basis, reasoning that there will be time to do these things tomorrow. I have trials that make me question my existence and feel sorry for my self.
So, am I going to fix the furniture or blog about it?
Well, it's an absolutely, fantabulous, gorgeous day in Austin, Tx and I'm going outside to repot a plant that will die if I don't. And then, I'll see about getting together the tools I need to fix my broken life!
And by the way, we are all beautiful, as we are all broken.
May your week be as fruitful as I will try to make mine!
L
5-25-10 I am a 'Ninja Mom', the beginning...
I am a single Mom of two teenage boys, ages 16 and 17. My house is the house on our street that all the other teenagers come to 'hang out'.
As a Mother, I can always sense where my sons are and they can never surprise or startle me...well, 99% of the time. I am not as 'in-tune' with all of my other adopted teenagers. One of these adopted young men, kept sneaking up on me, so I started calling him 'Ninja Kid'. And he began calling me 'Ninja Mom'!! Now almost a year later, all of them call me 'Ninja Mom'.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!
I am posting 'blogs' that I began on a social networking site in February of this year. One each week. So there is a lot to read. Please read them and get to know me.
Some are positive, sad, hopeful, negative and some are just wistful!
Keep up with me, this will be a weekly blog with some other things thrown in for spice!!
As a Mother, I can always sense where my sons are and they can never surprise or startle me...well, 99% of the time. I am not as 'in-tune' with all of my other adopted teenagers. One of these adopted young men, kept sneaking up on me, so I started calling him 'Ninja Kid'. And he began calling me 'Ninja Mom'!! Now almost a year later, all of them call me 'Ninja Mom'.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!
I am posting 'blogs' that I began on a social networking site in February of this year. One each week. So there is a lot to read. Please read them and get to know me.
Some are positive, sad, hopeful, negative and some are just wistful!
Keep up with me, this will be a weekly blog with some other things thrown in for spice!!
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